Worth it
by Vakarious
Summary: Saving the galaxy can really wear a gal down. Will she have to carry the burden alone? Femshep/Garrus, post-Arrival fic.


**Worth it.**

"Commander, why are you attempting to repair the navigational beacon?"

"_Attempting_, Garrus?"

Scorn came dripping from her muffled reply. It was fun teasing the Commander. She never failed to take the bait.

"People seem to forget I can do more than just 'not die'. Besides, I like using my hands."

Although her remark seemed innocent enough, he could not help but raise an eyebrow at that. Talking to her feet as he was, his reaction went unnoticed, which was probably a good thing. He remained prudently silent. There was teasing, and then there was crossing the line.

She slid out from under the console and sat up, wiping her hands on a rag.

"What did you want, Garrus?"

"I need a favor".

She looked up at him sharply. "Last time you asked me for a favor, somebody died and you ended up on the most-wanted list of the Citadel."

"I assure you this favor is of a less sinister nature."

"Good," she said and held out a hand. He clasped her wrist and helped her up.

"What do you need?"

"I need to borrow some credits."

"Can't. I spent it all on fish", she replied, smiling.

His mandibles twitched in amusement. "Been feeding Grunt?"

"Sure as hell not been feeding the fish."

"You are incorrigible," he chided her, "Why don't you let someone else take care of them?"

"And have that 'someone' walk in on me as I step out of the shower? No thanks."

Then her smile suddenly widened to a grin. "Wait, are you volunteering, Officer Vakarian?"

He waved a hand dismissively.

"I'm not good with fish. Ask yeoman Chambers, it's practically her job."

"Yeah well, it just doesn't feel right, her waiting on me like that."

"Yes," he answered politely. "About that favor..."

Nodding towards the elevator, she started moving.

"Come on, let's discuss this somewhere more private."

#

'Somewhere more private' turned out to be somewhere much more private than he had expected. "You don't mind if we go upstairs, do you?" she had casually asked him in the elevator, barely waiting for his confirmation before her hand touched the controls indicating the loft.

As he stepped through the door to her quarters, he cried out in mock surprise, "Blessed spirits! These fish are alive!" and chuckled as he caught her rolling her eyes.

He pointed at the tank. "Or are they synthetic?"

Poised on the doorstep to her bathroom she stopped for a moment to consider that.

"Good idea, actually. I'll put Legion on that."

She disappeared inside and he discreetly turned his back. Luckily Turians did not have movable outer ear shells, or, so he imagined, they would have swiveled backwards involuntarily. He was acutely aware that he had not yet heard the door hiss shut. A tap was turned on. Water splashed. And he really needed to focus more on the fish in front of him.

"I wish I could just give them a year's worth of rations. Works well enough for Sovereign."

"What?" He was sure he had not heard that right. He turned his head but he could not see her. She called out to him from around the corner: "The hamster?"

"You named it _Sovereign_?"

"It indoctrinates me to set it free, and then it's a bloody menace to cage again. So yeah, it seemed a fitting name."

"I see. Does it plan to destroy organic civilization?"

"I dunno, it won't 'fess up. I think it would need some help though."

"By all means, keep it caged then."

"I'll call you next time it escapes."

"Are you kidding? I'll be running for the escape pods. I'm no match for a reaper rodent."

"Coward!"

#

Relative quiet ensued and he turned his attention back to the aquarium. Mesmerized by the shifting blue light, he was content to wait. He spent some time determining exactly how much of his personal life he was willing to reveal in order to get from her the loan he required. She could be unpredictable, in that respect. He liked to believe that she trusted him implicitly, but at times she would just not stop asking questions. Idly, he wondered about the Terran creatures referred to as cats. After all, 'curiosity killed the human' would seem a most apt expression.

"Hey, can I ask you a favor in return? Come in here for a moment."

This certainly caught him by surprise. Despite his efforts to focus on the fish, he had heard at least three items of clothing being discarded. Hesitantly, he moved up the steps. At the door, he squared his shoulders, prepared for the worst, and stepped inside.

He found her standing on tiptoe, craning her neck to look into the mirror over her shoulder. In the back of his mind it registered that he had been right about the amount of discarded items. And three was apparently all that she had been wearing. One of her hands was clutched to her chest, holding up the large towel she had wrapped around herself. The other hand she held behind her, pushing the towel down, leaving most of her back uncovered.

"I can't see that scar I got on Illium, you know, when that grenade hit me in the back? And it's bothering the hell out of me. Does it look okay?"

Not for the first time, he wondered how humans managed to get around in the universe at all. The pheromones came streaming off of her in waves, and even apart from that, it seemed like such an obvious ruse. Then again, he had noticed that humans were not always aware of the messages they were sending, so maybe the pheromones were just some unconscious part of her brain doing the talking. She had after all been unmistakably clear, the one time that this particular subject had been addressed. 'Just friends'. Huh. And now this? Maybe to her, a Turian friend ranked as a female friend. He breathed an inward sigh at the thought.

"You do know you can ask Chakwas to look at this, don't you? That's probably a better idea anyway," he told her, letting the tone convey his annoyance. Regardless, he stepped closer to inspect the partially healed wound. Engrossed in his examination, he took hold of her hips and angled her towards the light. "Nasty, but nothing to worry about. You've lived through worse, Shepard".

#

Straightening up, he caught her eyes on him in the mirror and it stopped him in his tracks. Her cheeks were flushed. She said nothing, but she held his gaze. His hands were still on her hips, and she made no move to shrug them off. If he did not know any better... More than ever, he wished he could read those human eyes. With a wry smile, he remembered something he had told her before, 'Nervous, but never uncomfortable' - not something that quite rang true anymore. He closed his eyes for a moment to savor his own helplessness. Only she could ever leave him so totally at a loss. Then he mentally pulled himself together. She had turned him down, as he had expected, and he had resigned himself to that fairly quickly, the upside being that there were no more reasons for him to second guess himself. There had been too many awkward moments since that unfortunate conversation. It was time to seize reality by the throat.

#

When he straightened up, he caught her staring. As they locked eyes, she instantly felt the heat rise to her cheeks, and cursed herself for it. She could face down a Krogan battlemaster without blinking, but she could not share a shower with a squad mate without blushing. That was one trait the Cerberus scientists could have safely omitted in Shepard version 2.0. Ignoring her instinctive reaction, she held his gaze. Six long and wide fingers were resting on her waist. She felt the alien heat of them through the fabric of her towel. His mandibles seemed to move outward slightly, then he closed his eyes for a moment. Too often she could not make head or tail of his facial expressions. An outright grin or a fierce scowl, those were easily recognized, but anything more subtle was lost on her. Now more than ever, she wished she could read those Turian eyes.

She had come to consider Garrus her closest companion, right up until that cursed conversation. She still did not know what had gotten into her then. It had been a spur of the moment. He had never brought up anything quite so... intimate before, and she had leapt at the opportunity to make him realize that she was also a woman, not just a fellow officer. In spite of her intentions, it had surprised her that he had taken it seriously. She had been coming on way too strong, but maybe that was the rule on Palaven. After that though, things had gone from bad to worse.

It was clear that he was up for sex, even though he was adamant he did not have a 'thing' for humans. Maybe he was just curious, or maybe his military upbringing did not allow him to approach anyone below his rank. Nevertheless, the more she had thought about it, the more she had realized that she just could not go through with it. That surreal conversation with Mordin had been the last straw to hammer it home. If she would ever start anything with Garrus, it would have to be more than just casual sex.

The heat in her cheeks increased at the memory. It had taken all the courage she could muster to step up to him and tell him she valued his friendship more than that. He had been quick to reply that it was probably for the best, that he would prefer something platonic. Truth be told, he had seemed a little relieved. He had been obsessing over all the possible inter-species complications almost from the beginning. So what on earth had possessed her to maneuver them into this situation now? He was probably dreading having to tell her off again. She had to pull herself together. It was time to face the music.

#

"What –"

"I'm –"

"Go ahead."

"No, it's okay, you first."

Silence.

Weeks of frustration suddenly came to a head. 'Awkward,' she thought, the blood pounding in her ears, did not even begin to describe it. 'Awkward' had been heaven compared to this. This was _not _going to go on like this. She was _not_ a green as grass 'aw look at that' cute little human. For crying out loud, she was a SPECTRE.

She turned around, grabbed his collar, and slammed him into the wall.

"You! I've _had_ it with you! This has been awkward for ages! It's been fucking unbearable to have you around and yet I've dragged you along on Every. Single. Mission. Hell, I've been down in the battery more than I've been up on the bridge, and I don't even _care_ about firing algorithms! And in case you're wondering: yes, it's your voice, you idiot, you _know_ it's irresistible. And you also _know_ that I happen to give a shit. So what? You're not man enough to handle some squishy feelings? You were sure interested enough when it was just the promise of sex. Well, here I am! Go for it!"

With that, she gave him a final shove and let go.

Chest heaving, adrenaline pumping, hands on her hips and fire in her eyes, she stood before him like a goddess of war, defying him to do anything other than fight her or fuck her. But he just cocked his head and, ever so slowly, let his mandibles flare into a very recognizable, and very infuriating, expression.

He was grinning ear to ear.

"Irresistible, hm?" he practically purred.

He crossed his arms and let his eyes travel downward to where she now, quite clearly, felt a lack of towel. Snorting at the irony, she let her head fall back and put a hand on her forehead. "Oh bloody hell..."

"Language, young lady" he said, still grinning, and before she could react he had grabbed hold of her and pulled her close.

#

"I told you I had reach" he murmured, as he bent down to nuzzle the side of her face. His hands were sliding down her back, his breath was hot on her shoulder. When he bit down on the muscle in the crook of her neck, she groaned, arching into him, gasping at the cold metal sting of his armor on her skin. "So you like that, mm?" he whispered at her ear and the low rumble of his voice instantly drove away the cold. She molded her body against his, kissing his neck, his jaw, running her tongue along his cheekbone. She pulled back slightly and looked at him, a little nonplussed. Traditional kissing was obviously out of the question, but she was not going to give up on his tongue without a fight. Leaning in closer, she carefully touched her tongue to his mouth. He tried to lift his head up out of her reach, but she pulled him back down roughly, licking the edge of a mandible when he turned away sideways. She dragged her teeth down his neck, grinding up against him, impatiently, incessantly – feeling his hesitation and letting it fuel her determination, until eventually he took hold of her wrists, pried her hands loose and forced her backwards. With a frustrated growl she bit down once on his chin, hard. His head snapped back in surprise and the hold on her wrists tightened from firm to bruising. She fought to get her hands free and struggled to lean back in to him at the same time, not sure whether to kiss him or break his jaw if she succeeded, but all the aggression she was putting into it was not getting her very far. She was no match for him as long as she did not really want to hurt him, and even though she was rapidly losing her inhibitions on that account, her naked body could do little damage to his armor. Finally, after most of her energy had burned away in vain, she stopped trying and let her head fall forward, unwilling to face him, unwilling to risk revealing the depth of her emotions.

#

"Hey..." he said, as he took her face between his hands and bent his head to catch her eyes.

"I'm flattered. I'm _very_ flattered. Not to mention horny as hell. But it looks to me like you don't really know what you're doing. Besides, if I let loose now, I will tear you to pieces. And that's not using a figure of speech. So… let's have a cold shower first. And after that we can take our time... exploring."

Helpless, frustrated, and utterly undone, she looked up into his pale blue eyes. She wanted him and he knew it. She _needed_ him and he knew it. He knew it, and she hated him for it. No match for even a single Turian, how could anyone hope she would save a galaxy? Every day, more things and worse things were spinning out of her control. A voice kept shouting at her in the back of her mind to 'pull it together, soldier!', that failure was not an option, that if she broke down now, she would break down beyond repair. It was impossible, it was terrifying –

Unbidden, uncontrollable, a single tear started on its way down her face.

He watched it for a moment, this rare diamond of despair, tracing its halting path, before he brushed it away with his thumb – slowly, deliberately. Then he wrapped his arms around her and held her to his chest, gently stroking the back of her head. A quiet sob escaped her.

"Sshh. It's okay. You're safe."

She closed her eyes and relaxed into his embrace. Her breathing calmed and her focus narrowed. She felt the steady thrum of the Normandy, the quiet purr deep inside his chest, the soft scratching of his fingers through her hair.

Nothing else existed.

#

It was the cold that finally brought her back to her surroundings, when a shiver ran through her.

"I'm cold" she said, as she pulled away from him.

"One hot shower coming up. Let me get out of this stuff. I'll be quick." he answered quietly.

He stepped past her, already shedding the chest piece. She started to pick up the towel at her feet, then thought better of it and simply sat down. Slumped back against the wall rather unceremoniously, she let her elbows rest on her knees, her hands idly playing with the towel. Her eyes took in the sight of him and she smiled. "Don't be quick".

"Hm. And if I would just keep on talking it would really make your day?"

Greaves clattered on top of the chest piece.

"Why do I feel like that confession will be coming back to haunt me?"

Thigh protectors landed on top of the pile and slid to the floor.

"Every day, Shepard. Every single day."

He was graceful and efficient. When he was stripped of all of his armor, he went to work on his boots. The first came off. She had never noticed his feet were bear inside.

"I've killed three hundred thousand people."

He glanced up at her.

She waved her hand, faking nonchalance. "Give or take a few."

To his credit, he seemed to take it all in stride.

"Which saved countless others."

"How can I be sure of that?"

He glanced up again.

"You can't."

The second boot now discarded, he pulled his shirt off over his head in one quick motion.

"Are you coming?" he asked, and extended a hand.

"What, and miss the fun part? You skipped the only bit I've never seen before."

As he peeled down his shorts, she was amused to realize that she was more fascinated with the casual way he made them circumnavigate the spurs on the back of his legs, than she was with the newly uncovered part of his anatomy. Then again, she had already known there would not be much to see, unless he was highly aroused. Mordin's information had left her well prepared – in theory, if not in practice.

"How does that work, anyway?" she continued, "Is there some universal constant that I'm not aware of? If I kill one, but it saves 3.14 others, then it's okay?"

He chuckled. "I would hope that the trade off should be higher than that."

Whenever she had imagined Garrus stripping naked, this was not the conversation she had thought they would be having. Somehow though, it just fit. This was the truth. All of it. The cold against her back. His naked body in front of her. Three hundred thousand dead Batarians.

"Come here," he said.

#

Content and a little bemused, he regarded the human he held encircled in his arms. Rivulets of hot water were dancing around her fingers, as she slowly traced invisible patterns on his chest, completely absorbed in discovering the sight of him, the feel of him, the texture, marveling at the hard ridges of his plates and the velvety skin in between.

"I have to say, being broke has never turned out this positive before."

"Broke?"

"The credits? The favor?"

"Ah, yes, I'm getting some great ideas about how you could _earn_ the money."

He grinned, "You couldn't afford it."

"Well, we more or less bit _off_ the hand that feeds us, but I'm sure we can figure something out. How much? When?"

"Unfortunately, it's not really a single shot problem. My mother needs special care, and it keeps getting more expensive. I try to support her as best I can, but I don't always manage." He shrugged. "It's a long story."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know…"

"That's because I never told you. Actually, I've never told anyone. My private life is… private."

"You know you don't have to tell me, to get the money."

"Hey, we're in your quarters, having a shower together, naked, talking… and we haven't even had sex yet. In my world, that makes you part of my private life."

When she didn't answer, he put a hand on her chin and gently tilted her head up, looking into her eyes. "If I'm wrong about that, you'll have to tell me."

"No! It's just… I thought…"

"Let's get this straightened out for once and for all. I don't care about sex, I care about you. This is what I want. This is perfect."

A smile crept into her face as she waited, anticipating.

"Okay, that came out wrong… I _do_ care about sex…"

"Don't worry, I get it," she reassured him, cuttting him short with a hug.

She let her head rest against his chest and felt his arms tighten around her in return.

"You're here."

"I'm here."

"You're staying."

"I'm staying."

"The rest of the galaxy can go to hell, for all I care. But this is definitely worth saving."

"Those reapers don't stand a chance."

"Hell no," she murmured.

For now, that was a very good thing to believe.

-/-


End file.
